๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ต ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ช๐ด๐ฏโ๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ถ๐ด?
๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต?
In January 2012, I could have asked myself these questions.
Had I thought of them!
At the time, I had just moved to Atlanta, GA and started my new gig in B2B sales, for one of Americaโs largest companies.
Being fresh out of college, it was an opportunity that โ๐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ต๐ถ๐ณ๐ฏ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฏโ
When I moved, I had been in an on and off relationship for about two years. And, this was not a relationship that many people that knew us would call, โ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ-๐ญ๐ข๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จโ, or โ๐ค๐ฆ๐ณ๐ต๐ข๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ด๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆโ.
Nope.
Again, it was on and off again.
And me moving to the other side of the country for work added an entirely new level of strain to already a fractured relationship..
My hope was to move, start this new gig, and the relationship would fade away. And even though I thought that, I wasnโt able to end it, even though I knew I didnโt want to be with her any longer.
Looking back I see that, but at the time, It seemed โ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ข๐ญโ. Those were the thoughts going on in mind. Fortunately, this was not the same thoughts in hers. This move was the last straw. She wasโฆ.
๐๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ
๐๐ถ๐ป๐ถ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฑ
๐ข๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐.
And understandably so. She was ready for something more.
And even though I wanted something different, I wouldnโt let go.
๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ถ๐.
๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ ๐ฎ๐น๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ฒ๐.
Our relationship was long over,, even if it wasnโt official. We continued to drag it out. Neither of us happy.
She knew just as well as I did that what we once had was long gone.
And she ended it.
What came next I did not expect, nor had I ever experienced it before.
๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ.
In a moment I went from indifferent, detached, and avoidantโฆ
To.. We must fix this!
I remember quite well it was like a flip of a light switch in my head.
Prior to breaking up, the switch was off.
I was doing my own thing. Only concerned for my future, not really thinking about an us..
Toโฆ
โ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ณ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต?โ
Iโm pretty sure I asked her this at least 10 times.
I was determined to fix us!
๐ ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ด๐ต๐ ๐ณ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐.
๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐ ๐ด๐ผ๐ผ๐ฑ ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ป๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ฒ๐ ๐๐
๐ ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ผ๐น๐ผ๐ด๐ถ๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด
Truthfully, she had many good reasons to end our relationship, and Iโm grateful she was willing to make that call, since I couldnโt seem to do it myself.
At the time, all of my gestures, and attempts seemed to be solely about her.
But you know what, it was never about her.
This was just as much about me, as it was prior to us breaking up. Whether It was my strive for the corporate climb, a desire to live it up in this new city, or trying โfixโ something that had broken long agoโฆ
It was still about me.
๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ป๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐น๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ
๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐น๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ฎ๐น๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ โ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ต ๐ถ๐โ
๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐ณ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ, ๐๐ต๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ด๐ต ๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐๐ฎ๐น๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป
In short, I needed something outside of myself to prove my worth.
Now, for people reading this, a couple of thingsโฆ
#1 ๐ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐โ๐ฎ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ข๐ด ๐ฆ๐น๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด
#2 ๐๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฆ๐น๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ ๐ท๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ฅ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ ๐ธ๐ข๐บ๐ด (๐ด๐ฆ๐น, ๐ค๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ณ, ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐บ)
During this time, in the eye of the storm, as I will call it, I was consumed by this need to โ๐ง๐ช๐น ๐ช๐ตโ. This need to have this relationship that was, again, long since over.
๐๐๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐น๐ฒ๐ ๐ด๐ผ.
๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฏ๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฎ ๐ณ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ถ๐๐ต๐ผ๐๐ ๐ถ๐
๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐๐๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐น ๐๐ถ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป
In short, I was a hot mess.
And as I think back, Itโs a bit eye opening looking at the end of this relationship. To see that the obsession to โ๐ง๐ช๐น ๐ช๐ตโ and to keep holding on, was never even about the person I was chasing.
It was completely about, my need for something outside of myself to prove my worth, and I struggled to let go of what I thought proved that worth.
Looking back, though, I smile for a few reasonsโฆ
#1 ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ๐ญ๐บ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐น๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ณ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ข ๐ง๐ฆ๐ธ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ต๐ฉ๐ด, ๐ค๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข ๐จ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ต๐ถ๐ฏ๐ช๐ต๐บ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ข๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฃ๐ช๐ต๐ด, ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ช๐ฐ๐ณ๐ด, ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ญ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ, ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฎ๐บ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐ช๐ต.
#2 ๐๐ฐ๐ด๐ต ๐ช๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ญ๐บ, ๐ช๐ต ๐ด๐ฆ๐ณ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ด ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข ๐ง๐ฆ๐ธ ๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ญ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ง๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ, ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ท๐ข๐ญ๐ถ๐ฆ, ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ค๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง, ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฆ๐น๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ฃ๐ซ๐ฆ๐ค๐ต๐ด ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐บ, ๐ข ๐ค๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ณ, ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ด๐ฆ.
๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ปโ๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ผ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ป ๐๐ผ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ป ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐, ๐ฏ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฎ๐ถ๐ป, ๐โ๐บ ๐ด๐ฟ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ณ๐๐น ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ป, ๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐บ๐ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ด๐ด๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ต๐๐ฟ๐ฑ๐น๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป ๐น๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ, ๐บ๐๐๐ฒ๐น๐ณ.
