Holding on to a memory of hurting a loved one can carry with it guilt, regret, and a fractured sense of who we are.
Carrying quiet messages in our mind about ourselvesโฆ.
๐ค๐๐ถ๐ฒ๐ ๐บ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ต๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐
๐ค๐๐ถ๐ฒ๐ ๐บ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ป๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ต๐
๐ค๐๐ถ๐ฒ๐ ๐บ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ต๐ผ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ
Messages that keep us in our own internal cell of self doubt, criticism, and blame.
And as a result, create unintentional walls of separation between you and the world.
Looking back over my lifeโฆ.I revisit my teenage years.
Matt at 17 years old.
Working a full-time fast food job and supporting a full time drug habit.
๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐ป๐ ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ป ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ผ๐๐.
๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฑ
๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ต๐น๐ฒ๐๐
๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ ๐ฎ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ด๐ต ๐ฑ๐ฟ๐๐ด๐โฆ..
A habit that my minimum wage job could not support.
No.
My inner voice was too loud, andโฆ.
๐ผ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ก๐ ๐๐ข๐ โ ๐๐ก ๐๐ค๐๐ฆ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ก ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ก ๐๐๐๐โ๐ก ๐๐ฅ๐๐ ๐ก.
๐ผ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ก๐ ๐๐ข๐ ๐๐ข๐๐กโ๐๐, ๐๐๐ ๐ก๐๐, ๐๐ ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ค๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ก๐ ๐๐ฃ๐๐๐ ๐๐ก
๐ผ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ข๐๐ ๐ก๐ ๐ โ๐ข๐ก ๐๐๐ค๐ ๐กโ๐ ๐ฃ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐กโ๐๐ก ๐ก๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐คโ๐ ๐ผ ๐ค๐๐
๐ ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐บ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ ๐บ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐บ๐๐๐ฒ๐น๐ณ.
The options?
Limited.
Already working full time, I couldnโt risk stealing from my employer.
Robbing a store, bank, or the like was not a consideration.
I decided the one thing that carried more guilt and regret than the previous two might have..
๐ ๐๐๐ผ๐น๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐บ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ.
Sneaking into his room when he was asleep or not paying attention.
Grabbingโฆ
$10
$20
$40
Then running.
Running not only from the scene, but also from the quiet voice inside of me that told me what I was doing is wrong.
๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ณ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ป๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐๐ต๐ฒ โ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟโ
๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐น๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ ๐๐ถ๐น๐น ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ด๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐
๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐๐ธ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ ๐ฑ๐ผ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ
The voice that I often ignored during that period of my life.
As much as I wanted to listen to it. I didnโt know how. I didnโt know how to turn that voice up and the other down.
๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฟ๐๐๐ต ๐๐ฎ๐, ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฎ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป ๐บ๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฎ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ.
_____________________________________________
As I write this story, the dominant voice that creates my inner dialogue has shifted to the one I ignored for so long.
The voice that had I been able to hear it would have kept me from doing things that hurt the ones I love, including myself.
The years have continued to pass.
Tick.
Tock.
And thoughts of stealing from my father to quiet my mind have long gone.
Outdated thoughts replaced with new ones.
Thoughts ofโฆ
๐ผ ๐ค๐๐๐ก ๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ค ๐๐ โ๐ ๐๐๐๐ค ๐กโ๐๐ก ๐ผ ๐ค๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐กโ๐๐ ๐ก๐ โ๐๐
๐ผ ๐ค๐๐๐ก ๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ก ๐กโ๐๐ก ๐ผ ๐ค๐๐๐๐๐๐ โ๐๐, ๐๐๐ ๐กโ๐๐ก ๐ผโ๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฆ
๐ผ ๐ค๐๐๐ก ๐ก๐ ๐๐๐ก ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐กโ๐ ๐๐ข๐๐๐ก ๐ ๐ ๐กโ๐๐ก ๐๐ก ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐ก๐๐๐๐๐กโ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ก๐๐๐๐ โ๐๐
I realized how these unspoken wrongs were keeping me from being present with my father.
There was always the reminder of what I had done, even though he was there for me many times.
And still is to this day.
I realized that when I was around him, I wanted to say it.
I wanted to say, โ๐ผ ๐ ๐ก๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ฆ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ฆ๐๐ข ๐คโ๐๐ ๐ผ ๐ค๐๐ ๐ ๐ก๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ค๐๐กโ ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ค๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ โ๐๐ก๐๐๐.โ
But for so long, I couldnโt.
Because I was afraid.
Afraid of what might happen if I shared this with him.
Questions ofโฆ
โ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ก โ๐ข๐๐ก โ๐๐ ๐๐ โ๐ ๐๐๐๐ค๐ ๐กโ๐ ๐ก๐๐ข๐กโ?โ
โ๐๐๐๐ โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ฃ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ก ๐๐?โ
The feelings of guilt, regret, and fear all circling around this conversation.
๐ฆ๐ผ ๐ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฒ ๐ฎ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ถ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป.
I decided that by sharing this with him it would not cause him harm.
If I thought that my honesty would bring harm to him or anyone that Iโm apologizing to, I would keep it to myself.
In this case, the only risk was that he might not forgive me.
It might cause us to become more distant with each other, rather than closer.
๐๐๐, ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐น๐ ๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐.
It was time to come clean.
It was time to take responsibility.
It was time step into the discomfort.
My chest tight
Heart beating like a drum
Mind quiet
And a deep breathโฆ
I told him what I had done
I told him how I had wronged him
I told him why I did it
And I apologizedโฆ.
His response?
The opposite of what I expected.
He wasnโt aware that I had taken money from him.
And even more important, he said that any previous mistakes were forgiven years ago.
For years I wanted to come clean, but didnโt because I feared what would happen.
And to him, it was like nothing ever happened.
๐โ๐ ๐๐ข๐๐๐ก ๐ผ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ข๐๐ ๐ค๐๐ ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ค๐.
๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐คโ๐๐ก ๐๐๐ข๐๐ โ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ผ ๐ก๐๐๐ โ๐๐ ๐ค๐๐ ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ค๐
๐โ๐ ๐ ๐ก๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ผ ๐ค๐๐ ๐ก๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ฆ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ก ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ฆ ๐๐ค๐ ๐ ๐ข๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
๐ช๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ ๐๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ถ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ด๐.
I recognize that this could have went a different direction, but to be honest with him was worth the risk.
What does this prove to me?
Even though I am years past my experiences with using drugs to try and silence my inner voice..
What I know is this.
The inner voice is always there.
Always speaking to me.
Always presenting an opportunity for me to learn more about myself
๐๐ป ๐ผ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐๐ป๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ป๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ๐๐ฒ๐น๐๐ฒ๐
๐๐ป ๐ผ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐๐ป๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐๐ต๐ผ๐๐ด๐ต๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐
๐๐ป ๐ผ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐๐ป๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐น๐ฑ ๐๐ฒ ๐น๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป
What I also know isโฆ
People can change.
People can forgive
And life doesnโt have to be as challenging as we make it.
At least, this has been my experience.
