When I was about 10 years old, my older sister, Leah, was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor.
A tumor, that we were told had been forming for years.
A tumor that, after multiple surgeries, left her with cognitive challenges that would impact her the rest of her life.
And at only 15 years old, she was destined to live the rest of her life with many challenges that we can only guess what it would be like.
๐๐ต๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ถ๐น๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฝ๐น๐ฒ๐๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐๐ธ๐
๐๐ต๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฝ ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ ๐ท๐ผ๐ฏ
๐๐ต๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ถ๐น๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ฒ๐น๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐
๐๐ต๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ป๐ผ ๐บ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐๐ฐ๐ต ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐๐ต๐ถ๐๐ฒ, ๐ฐ๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐๐น๐น๐ ๐๐ป๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ด๐ด๐น๐ฒ
The tumor took away so much of Leahโs potential in life. it took away so much from her.
And on many occasions, her challenges created conflict in our family.
๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ด๐ด๐น๐ฒ.
๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ
๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ด ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐๐ฐ๐ต ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐น๐
I also remember that, as a ten year old, seeing his strong older sister suffer like this, was something I did not know how to handle.
๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ
๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐น๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ถ๐๐ต
๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐๐ป๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐น๐ถ๐๐๐น๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ
So I pushed Leah away.
I didnโt let her in.
As I grew older, and moved into my late teens and early 20โs, the disconnection, the wall I put up only grew further.
๐ช๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐น๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐น๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐น๐ฒ๐๐
๐ ๐ถ๐ด๐ป๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฝ๐ต๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐น๐น๐
๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ๐ปโ๐ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐บ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ
๐๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐น๐น.. ๐ ๐ฏ๐น๐ฎ๐บ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ธ ๐ถ๐ป ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐น๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต๐ถ๐ฝ, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ฎ๐น๐ธ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ถ๐.
It was her fault that we couldnโt get along.
It was her fault that we couldnโt have a relationship.
It was her fault that my big sister no longer had a little brother
๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฟ๐๐๐ต ๐ถ๐, ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐๐น๐.
Even after all Leah went through, she did her best to try and keep a relationship with me. To call me regularly, to tell me she missed and loved meโฆ
But, I just didnโt know how to manage the emotions I felt when we spoke. Because often, I showed up with frustration, disinterest, or the oh so commonโฆ
โ๐ผโ๐ ๐๐ข๐ ๐ก ๐ก๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ ๐ฆ ๐๐๐โ๐ก ๐๐๐คโ
And as I look back and remember my big sister, I realize, that I was afraid.
๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ผ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ
๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐น๐ฒ๐ ๐ด๐ผ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ด ๐๐ถ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ ๐๐ผ๐๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ
๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐๐๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ ๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐น๐ฑ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฎ๐ถ๐ป, ๐ฎ๐ ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐น๐ ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐น๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ผ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ
And I did.
At the time of writing this, Leah has now been out of my life for over five years, as she was killed in an accident, early in her 30’s.
Tearing up as I write this, I know there were many years that I could have enjoyed with her. Laughs that we could have had.
Memories we still could have created together.
If only I knew that it was my own fear that was keeping me from being there for her, like she was for many years in my youth, when I really needed her.
And while my big sister is gone, and I am now able to look back and cherish my memories of Leah
๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ท๐ผ๐๐ณ๐๐น ๐๐บ๐ถ๐น๐ฒ
๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฝ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ป๐
๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐น๐
And yes, even during the really challenging times, Iโm grateful that I had her as my sister.
Our relationship taught me a lot about life and myself, that can not be learned through a book, but only through our closest relationships.
#๐ญ ๐ข๐ณ๐๐ฒ๐ป ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ป ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฟ๐, ๐ฏ๐น๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐ป๐ด, ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ฐ๐ฟ๐ถ๐๐ถ๐ฐ๐ถ๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ โ ๐ถ๐ ๐ผ๐ณ๐๐ฒ๐ป ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ๐ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ฎ ๐ฝ๐น๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ. ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐น๐ฒ๐๐๐ป๐ฒ๐๐, ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐น๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ฟ๐ผ๐น. ๐ก๐ผ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ต๐ฒ๐น๐ฝ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐บ, ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐บ, ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐น๐, ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐บ
#๐ฎ ๐ช๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ต๐ ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ป๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ด๐ฒ๐๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ผ๐๐ป ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ต ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ฒ๐น๐น ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด, ๐๐ต๐ถ๐น๐ฒ ๐๐๐ถ๐น๐น ๐ณ๐ถ๐ป๐ฑ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ ๐๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐๐. ๐๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ฒ๐๐ปโ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐น๐น ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ป๐ผ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ ๐ป๐ผ ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ถ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐น๐น ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ถ๐
#๐ฏ ๐๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ป๐ด. ๐๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ผ๐๐ฟ๐๐ฒ๐น๐๐ฒ๐ ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐. ๐๐ถ๐ณ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ด๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐๐ต. ๐๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ฒ๐๐ผ๐น๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ถ๐ป๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ถ๐ป๐ฐ๐น๐๐ฑ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐, ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ธ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ถ๐โ๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ. ๐๐ด๐ฎ๐ถ๐ป, ๐ฎ๐น๐น ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ป๐ผ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด
#๐ฐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ ๐น๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐บ๐ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ด ๐๐ถ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ, ๐ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ธ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐๐ฐ๐ต ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐น๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐น๐น ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐บ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ผ ๐บ๐ฒ
No matter what, even after she has passed, my big sister, Leah, is still teaching me so much.
Iโm grateful for her, and all I learned and am learning from her to this day!
