In 2012, I moved to Kansas City, MO. At that point, in my mid 20’s, hungry to succeed in my career, and in life.

This hunger to succeed, to make the big bucks, to prove myself to the world, was freaking real. It was not this on and off again switch that waffled back and forth between initiative and taking it easy.

NOPE.

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑤𝑖𝑡𝑐ℎ 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 “𝑂𝑁” 24/7 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑠, 𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒.

And boy did I find the right match. A top global brand was launching a pilot in Kansas City, with the intention to disrupt a few industries. The intent being to pilot, adapt, then grow.

And I was hired as one of the first employees, as a sales rep. “Hell YES! Time to show the world what I can do!”

That hunger, that drive to “succeed” at the time meant..

𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝘁𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘆, 𝘀𝗼 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝘂𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁

𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗴𝗼 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗽 𝘁𝗼

𝗠𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗹𝗶𝗺𝗯 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳

Interestingly, at the time, I couldn’t tell you those were my goals, as most were unconscious. However, even not knowing what to say I wanted, my actions guided me anyways.

𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄. 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

Daily, I woke up with this insatiable hunger to be the best, do my best, and to NEVER stop moving forward. I lived and breathed this job, and my commitment to being the best.

Very quickly, as the pilot started, and gained traction, my efforts paid off. I landed my manager gig.

“𝑺𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕. 𝑵𝒐𝒘 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒃𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅. 𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓. 𝑵𝒐 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆, 𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒊𝒈𝒉 𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆’𝒔 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌, 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒆.”

Oh man, I was elated. I remember feeling a sense of joy, of satisfaction, for all of 10 minutes. Then my focus turned to…

“Alright. Time to work on my next promotion.”

I even started designing a job description that didn’t exist, as I intended on creating the need for the role.

I quickly noticed, in my new role, that my team, dragged their feet, a lot. Or, they would complete assignments, with poor quality.

“𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺? 𝗜 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳”

“𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗶𝘁. 𝗜 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝘁 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.”

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

I was so pulled towards this vision of what I needed to be happy, to be successful, to be respected, it left me in a constant state of trying to control EVERYTHING!

And that FEAR of failure, rejection, of not being recognized, or respected, started creating the opposite of what I wanted.

The people that I had gotten close to when we first started working together, clearly wore a face of, “I’m only being nice because I have to be, to keep getting a check.”

It wasn’t until one day, sitting in our inventory closet, I was complaining about everyone else, that one guy on my team spoke up.

“𝑴𝒂𝒕𝒕, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒕𝒐𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑮𝑶𝑨𝑳𝑺, 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒄𝒉. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒏, 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒑𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔. 𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒖𝒔?”

HOLY SH**

My ego went nuts! His level candidness set off all the alarms…

“𝑫𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝑰 𝒂𝒎?, 𝑰’𝒎 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒓!”

“𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒉𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆?”

“𝑶𝒉, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕!”

Fortunately, these “alarms” stayed in my head. And after my jaw connected back to my face, from dropping so far, I was able to shut up long enough to entertain the words he said. Asking myself questions like:

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞?

Do 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐲?

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐦 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠?

Which led to the two most important questions, that ultimately, after this interaction, set a foundation for not only my management style but the way I work with people, to this day:

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐚𝐦 𝐈 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬?

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞?

When looking back over that time, the messages I was consciously telling myself, were constricting messages of…

𝐈𝐟 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐨𝐛 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐨 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤

𝐈’𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐬

What I was really telling myself, that I did not realize for a few years..

𝐈𝐟 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬

𝐈𝐟 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 $$$, 𝐈’𝐦 𝐚 𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐡**

𝐈𝐟 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐦’𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭, 𝐈’𝐦 𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐞

AND… “IF I don’t have all of those things perfectly lined up, I will live a miserable existence.”

In summary, my thoughts and behaviors were all driven by fear.

𝑭𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒐𝒇…

𝑳𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 — 𝑴𝒚 𝒋𝒐𝒃, 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒕, 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚, 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔

𝑵𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 — 𝑹𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒕, 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚, 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔

Those fears were moving me down the path of creating the exact opposite of what I wanted. 𝑰’𝒎 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒎 𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.

𝑰𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒓 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓!